FRACTALED FERRY TALES: I’ve read various accounts regarding the mathematical concept of “fractals”, and what a big deal it is. In a nutshell, fractals represent a mathematical situation where there exist patterns within patterns within patterns within patterns . . . . on and on. So, no matter whether you are looking at something from space or thru a microscope, the fractal pattern would be the same (give or take some random factors). A fractal surface area is kind of like a sponge, with lots of surface area in a small space. A good practical example of fractality is provided by aluminum foil. When you first cut a piece of foil from the roll, it’s nice and flat and shiny. Maybe you use it to wrap up a pound cake or something like that. After the pound cake has been eaten, many people throw the foil out. But if you’re a cheapskate like me, you save the foil and use it for something else, perhaps a muffin. After about the fourth or fifth time reusing foil, you see that it has become all scrunchy and shrunken, and isn’t much good anymore for wrapping stuff. That piece of foil was once flat, but has now become fractal, with lots of little folds and jags.

My point here is to ask what the big deal is about fractals. Mathematicians talk like they had found the holy grail. And they had some good examples, here and there. E.g., compare a shot from a space satellite of the middle of the USA, with the Mississippi River branching out into all sorts of twisty, smaller rivers, which in turn branch out into smaller rivers. on down to little creeks and brooks. Compare that with a shot of a tree. And then a close-up shot of a leaf. And then with a shot of the tiny blood vessels in your own skin. OK, so there are some recurring patterns to nature; give the math guys credit for being able to formally describe it.

But on a bigger level, the fractal idea is a big flop. I’m thinking here about the quantum world of fundamental particles, versus the bigger worlds of molecules and living beings and planets and solar systems and galaxies. There’s a huge disconnect in the way that tiny stuff acts versus bigger stuff; i.e. quantum physics versus the relativistic world of gravity. A long time ago, the atom seemed like a little solar system, with electrons revolving around the proton-neutron nucleus just as the planets revolved around the sun. (And on a higher level, billions of solar systems revolved around a black hole at the core of most galaxies). Now, if that were true, the cosmos would truly be fractal. But in fact, the atom is nothing like a mini-solar system. And the galaxy itself acts differently from a solar system because of “dark matter” (stuff we still don’t understand).

So, things do change fundamentally, depending on what level you look at them from. Aside from old aluminum foil, perhaps fractals still amount to an interesting idea that is useful in certain contexts. But sorry, mathematicians; you haven’t found the key to reality. So get back to your theorems and axioms, and call us in a few years to let us know how you’re doing.

SAFE LANDING: In the world of criminal justice bureaucracy, you’ve got to put up with some shrewd and aggressive people. My latest little encounter regarded a federal grant opportunity that we had hardly an icicle’s chance in hell of getting. Still, one of the shrewd higher-ups (a trial attorney by trade) decided that we had to go for it, mostly to impress the big boss (the County Prosecutor). And since I’m the “grants guy”, that meant that I’d have to catch the hot potato here. I’d be the guy to take the blame if we didn’t submit the application, or catch hell if we submitted something really junky, despite the fact that our proposal clearly wasn’t what the feds were looking for. The blame-game will start once we got the rejection notice.

OK, so I played the game. The grant was due yesterday (Friday), via GRANTS.GOV (all federal grants are now submitted electronically). On Thursday evening, I got a few pages of materials from someone who had no idea what a grant application looked like, so on Friday I had to massage that fluff into something that at least looked like a decent submission. The thing that annoyed me about it was that I was working at the same time on another federal grant application, one that we do in fact have a shot at (due Monday). Oh well, that’s life. Nothing at all happens, or everything happens at once.

I had the fluff lady, who was supposed to have prepared the application, come in on Friday despite her having the day off. Well hey, this grant was her boss’s idea, so she needed to bear some of the brunt too. I gave her the federal checklist and told her what we needed. She was good-natured enough about it. Still, had she bothered to look at the grant punchlist a week ago, she might had been able to have stayed home. But some people, despite being smart (she’s another trial attorney), just don’t know how to follow instructions.

Anyway, by 5 PM on Friday, we at least had enough stuff to say that we addressed every point in the proposal request; not very well, but at least there were no obvious omissions. Our proposal was still way off-base and will clearly be rejected, given the extreme competition for federal grants these days. But at least I had my own butt covered. Another day, another week, another grant, another bureaucratic maneuver to escape the line of fire.

By 5:30 PM I had an e-mail confirmation from GRANTS.GOV that our application had been received. It was an intense day of work for me, but it was finally time to go home. Just before I locked up my desk and grabbed my bag, I fired up the browser for a quick look at the news. The headline on nytimes.com was appropriate: Space Shuttle Lands Safely. Yep. As I marched down the stairway towards the door, I reflected on it: a safe landing in California for the Shuttle, a safe bureaucratic landing in Newark for me. The Shuttle never fulfilled its promise, and my own life went the same route. But it was Friday evening, and we were both on the ground safely after a busy week. So, it was time for a beer, not for a tear of regret.

I felt a twinge of sadness the other day when I read that the last of the great trans-Atlantic passenger ships, the Queen Elizabeth II, is going to be retired and sent to Dubai to become a floating hotel. By the time that the QE 2 went into service around 1970 (when I was still in high school), the jet plane had already killed off most of the demand for three-day voyages from New York to London or Paris. But God bless those British folk at Cunard for building one last great “liner”, nonetheless.

The Queen kept up the old tradition for another three decades, although toward the end it was doing more cruise business than cross-Atlantic trade. I never rode the Queen, but I once worked in Manhattan and had a view of the Hudson River dock where the Queen would hold court every month or two. I always kept an eye out for her. Sometimes she’d be docking as I was getting to my desk in the morning, and once or twice I was there late enough to watch her heading downriver for the open seas. Well, I doubt if I’ll have reason to visit Dubai anytime soon, so perhaps I’ll never see the old girl again. But here’s a pic I managed to get of her from my office. A nice little memory of some British pomp and circumstance on the west side. New York, and the world in general, is not a better place now that the Queen 2 no longer flies the Union Jack proudly over the briny seas. Hail Britannia, erstwhile ruler of the waves!

Because my blog is not widely popular, I have the luxury of being “not politically correct” from time to time. My thoughts for today fall into that category. I’ve been thinking about the “Islamic problem” and the “African-American problem” side-by-side. Of course, I’m taking the perspective of a main-stream American white guy. Also of course, I have my prejudices. Third “of course”, I’m trying to be as fair and open as possible about this stuff as possible, given who I am and where I come from. Final “of course”: at the end of the day I do have my opinions, and I’m sticking with them whether popular or not.

With that being said, let me get back to comparing the Islamic problem and the African American problem. Both represent large groups of people who are having their problems fitting in with “Western culture” and economics. They both have legitimate beefs with this culture, but they both also have common beliefs and practices that keep them from fitting in and achieving full economic participation. Another “of course” is needed at this point: of course, this is a broad-stroke statement. There are millions of people from both groups who have fully adopted and integrated with “The West” and are quite successful, in many ways. But in general, both groups seem to have their problems with mainstream western culture and with poverty. They too often represent the economic outcasts, and they express anger about this.

The interesting thing is that they both have something the West wants. The black culture has a certain cultural verve that whites seem to crave (hip hop music, trendsetting words and expressions, sporting and artistic prowess, etc.). The Islamic culture has oil. So we have to deal with eachother, like it or not. Another interesting thing is that both Islam (as both a religion and a culture) and the black culture have many legitimate criticisms of the western mainstream. They seem to imply that we are too materialistic, too impious, too stingy, too impersonal (although I’m NOT trying to merge the Islamic vision and the Black vision into one; they are very different, and would have many points of disagreement and friction between themselves). These cultures certainly have many of their own faults, and even hypocrisy; but alot of their cultural critiques ARE worth thinking about. They do contain some significant truths.

Well, aside from a few weirdos like myself, no one could seriously discuss the commonalties between the black problem and the Muslim problem in public. If some kid in grad school attempted to do a sociology thesis on this, he or she would be banned forever from the halls of academia. If a serious article about this appeared in the Washington Post or the New Yorker, the author would never publish again, and the paper or magazine would have to issue profuse apologias. The world of thought just ain’t ready for open-mindedness these days. And that’s too bad. I think it would be better for everyone to start slugging it out in academic words and logic, and leave the law suits and protest marches and political invective (and even guns and weapons of mass destruction) behind. But of course, I’m not holding my breath.

MY FUN DAY: When you’re a nerd like me, fun is a somewhat rare event. However, I did have a bit of fun this past week . . . . nerdy fun, as it were. You see, the wife of a former office mate from a past job had called up another guy in my office (who had also worked for that past employer of mine), wanting some help in making graphs from an Excel spreadsheet. The guy who took the call (Mr. Raj) decided to call me in on the case, so I picked up his cell phone and made my re-acquaintances with Valerie.

Ms. Valerie has a PhD in nursing and health care management, and recently took a job in the financial unit of a big health care system. This presented her with a bit of a challenge. She was used to managing field-level nursing operations, and not to fiscal controls and cost projections. Her new boss wanted her to turn out some actual-versus-target-expense graphs, despite her unfamiliarity with the intricacies of spreadsheets. And she had to turn them out fast. So she turned to Mr. Raj, who in turn turned to me . To turn a phrase. (OK, I’ll stop with the turning).

Anyway, there I was sitting at Raj’s desk, speaking to Valerie in Manhattan on Raj’s cell phone, trying to walk her thru the creation of a decent multi-line chart on Excel I opened up Excel on Raj’s computer, and had Valerie follow me as I created a graph. . It got pretty intense there for a while. Maybe even dramatic (she obviously was taking me very seriously, as though her job depended upon it). It kind of reminded me of those movie plots where the pilot of an airplane becomes unconscious and a passenger with little or no flying experience has to land the plane. “OK, now Valerie, do you see that handle next to the throttle lever? OK, now move it just a bit to the left. Is the plane banking and turning towards the left? Good. OK, put it back to the center. Now, take a look at the air speed indicator, which is . . . .”

Well all right, this isn’t exactly what I said (and I guess I just broke my promise about not turning anymore). But still, it was kind of fun helping someone get the hang of operating an unfamiliar technical system. She did finally get a fairly decent double-line chart together. And I felt pretty good about playing the part of the heroic air-traffic controller who landed an emergency flight through his cool and calm instructions. In my hyperactive, fun-loving imagination, anyway!

Andy Rooney, the old guy who blabs away on 60 Minutes, is cynical about the USA sending people back to the Moon. Well, perhaps he has a point. For the time being, outer space can be explored a lot more thoroughly and a lot more safely using machines. I’ve heard the argument made that there’s nothing like really being there when you’re exploring new territory. But let’s face it; human beings can’t really experience the Moon or Mars or anything else beyond our planet’s atmosphere. They would have to be cocooned in highly protective outfits and stay in isolated bases, due to all the radiation, heat, cold and lack of air. It’s not like they could go outside and touch or smell or taste anything, which is what human exploration has always been about. So I’ll give Andy a pass on this issue.

But actually, I recall Andy Rooney also being cynical about the original Apollo moon landing program from the late 60’s and early 70’s. About 5 or 6 years ago, I heard him on 60 Minutes complaining about a promise that NASA made about the great discoveries that would be made regarding the moon;s formation. Andy said that he didn’t remember ever getting that report. Well, that’s because it hadn’t been written yet. Actually, that report only came in recently. Not long ago, moon scientists finally reached consensus that the earth was hit by another planet about 4.5 billion years ago. A lot of the earth’s surface was scraped off in the process, and the stuff eventually congealed into the Moon. That’s why the Moon doesn’t have much iron, as opposed to the Earth, whose core is almost all iron.

They now call this story “the Big Whack”. And it took a while to gel. Science can be a slow and cautious process. As it should be. Sorry for the wait, Andy. Sometimes, it takes time to get it right. But now that we’ve got the moon right, well . . . . perhaps it’s time to move on to some bigger and bolder science ventures, way out there in the blue. But as far as sending people along with our probes . . . . we’re gonna have to be patient about that. Just as Andy Rooney should have patient about the moon rocks report.