At times I wonder, what might be a person’s biggest disappointment with their life, looking back from old age? (Which I’m rapidly entering.) Perhaps for some, it is that they weren’t more “saintly”. I.e., that they didn’t act upon something deep within their sub-conscious, that called them to less concern with self and more concern for others. Perhaps that they did not or would not have been the hero, the person who tried to tackle a crazed gunman in a school, theater or temple, or someone who would jump onto the subway tracks as a train approached to rescue a dazed person who stumbled out onto the path of the train. That they would have listened to the voice of reason in their heads and not taken a severe and yet passionate chance with their own life.

I don’t know if we all have such regrets (or if you are one of the few who actually did do such a thing — and lived to ponder it in your old age). But I sometimes do. Sometimes it seems comforting to take an eastern viewpoint and attribute my failing nature to “karma”. In some past life, or in some sub-conscious conveyance of “vibes” over the course of my life from others about me, I just didn’t accumulate enough good karma to appreciate the preciousness of being. I didn’t get over the existential numbness that many people complain of (while paying $100 per hour to a professional therapist to listen to such complaining). If there is such a karmic process, then it wasn’t all my fault. We are all part of a network with wide-ranging ties between the multitudes, spanning the past and present.

It would be nice to think that at least some little things can be done. It’s too late to jump down onto those subway tracks. Or even if such a chance did occur, I know that I still wouldn’t do it. But I could at least ponder why  »  continue reading …