R.I.P., CLASS OF ’71? I was in the local supermarket the other night gathering my weekly provisions, not paying any attention to the piped-in “lite FM” music playing in the background. Hey, why start listening to a song when half-way through it the assistant manager is going to interrupt, “can we have a porter report with a mop to aisle 14”. But I couldn’t help but take notice when an old Carpenter’s tune came on as I ambled past the juices and sodas. The song was “We’ve Only Just Begun To Live”, which happened to be the theme song from my high school graduation way back in 1971. I never did really like that song, and it definitely wouldn’t have been my pick. But I wasn’t popular with the “in crowd” back in high school (or anytime since!), and thus I wasn’t consulted.
Well, here we are 35 years later. Theoretically there should be some kind of reunion this year, but my class hasn’t done well in that regard. Every five or ten years I get something in the mail about a planned reunion, but it never seems to come off. And I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not contributing any enthusiasm to the cause. Being an arch-introvert, I didn’t make a lot of friends in high school, and the handful that I might like to talk with probably wouldn’t go themselves.
I do peek in on Classmates.com now and then, as to see who is listed for my year and what is being said on the message board. Actually, hardly anyone from my class is talking these days. There was a brief flurry of messages back around 2001, but since 2003 the board has been pretty quiet.
However, there have been a fair number of entries on the obituaries board. At least 10% of my class is now gone! That really surprised me, because there haven’t been any wars or other disasters in the area. Vietnam was over by the time we reached draft age. And this isn’t a coal mining town, where you’d expect a steady attrition over the years. My class just hasn’t been terribly lucky. We had a rising basketball star, a tall kid who was a great center who led the school team to a championship back in 71. He had his pick of college athletic scholarships. But he wound up on the streets of New York City, a drug addict who eventually caught the virus. He died in 1997.
And of course, our class-song chanteuse, Karen Carpenter, also decided it was all too much and “punched out early” back in 1983.
But I’m still here, hanging in there by my fingernails. More than half of my life is gone, most definitely. The “best years”, i.e. my twenties, thirties and forties have vanished. I don’t have too much to show for them, just a bunch of false starts and meltdowns. But I’d like to think that something intense and fulfilling could still come along, a situation that could translate my natural talents and strengths into something that would change the world for the better. I.e., something that would do good, and at the same time do good for me — something to serve my ego, but more importantly, slake my unmet need for self-actualization. Until then I’ll go on working as a glorified file clerk and go on reading and thinking and having thoughts and insights that interest no one much. And my (very) small group of supporters will go on telling me that I’m a good guy and that I am living a worthwhile life. Such consolation sometimes just makes it seem worse (but I thank them anyway for trying).
I’d like to think that life doesn’t always go according to schedule, and that you can live the equivalent of a full life in the course of a few intense years. (Let me make it clear here that I’m not talking about the mistake that people my age sometimes make, i.e. going on a spending / vacation spree, hoping to find meaning in their lives by buying a sports car or a yacht or by touring India.) For me, those years haven’t arrived yet (although there were a few months here and there in my past that provided a taste of it). But I’m still out there looking for them. I’d like to think that it’s still possible to “just begin to live” even at an advanced age, even if the earlier years didn’t go so well.
Too bad that Karen Carpenter couldn’t believe in this; she got her taste of fame and fortune early on. People told her “it don’t get better than this”, but she in fact was looking for something better (just listen to her haunting rendition of “Ave Maria”, a Carpenters song that never made it to the top 10 radio charts). Karen eventually decided that it just wasn’t here. As to that tall kid from my class who knew how to handle a basketball, darn if I know what he was looking for; but it was something, something he never found. As for me — I’m gonna keep on looking, looking amidst the aisles of the supermarket, looking in the books that I read, looking on the Internet, looking in the people that I work with. Ah, had only my graduating class been able to select a 1988 tune by the Moody Blues: “I Know You’re Out There Somewhere”.
