There’s an interesting article in the June Atlantic Magazine by Caitlin Flanagan about the current state of teenage girl-dom. The article is titled “Love, Actually” (a twist on the 2003 British romantic comedy movie); Ms. Flanagan reports that teen girls are currently staging a social revolt of sorts, rejecting the notion that they should celebrate a culture of promiscuity (wherein girls usually don’t get as good as they give to the boys in their lives, in terms of basic human regard and respect; and in terms of physical pleasure, most likely), and go back to holding out for real love.
Ms. Flanagan cites a variety of signs, including the lyrics of the latest teen pop idol, Taylor Swift. I took a quick look at some of Ms. Swift’s lyrics, and yes, they do seem to envision something more than “love the one you’re with” (ah, the old Crosby Stills and Nash anthem of the late 60s). One quick example from Ms. Swift:
“Sometimes I wonder / How it’s gonna feel / Will my first love be true and real?”
(from Am I Ready for Love). OK, if this is what the teenybopper girls are listening to these days, perhaps that is a good sign. However naive the sentiment is (like a 17 year girl is going to find “true and real love” with a 17 year old boy; yea, right), it at least sets high standards and expectations; maybe even VALUES (ah, the conservative side of me is coming out here).
But the question remains: just what is LOVE? What is the difference between LOVE and TRUE LOVE? Well, that’s something that you might consider in a philosophy class, so that’s how I’m going to treat it here. Does a relationship between two people ever have “Ontological Significance”? Can it? I.e., does a human relationship ever have a “being of its own”, a unique identity that goes beyond the circumstances and environment that brought it about? Or in the end, is what we call “LOVE” just a function of the circumstances; thus, to be cast to the winds by a few twists of fait, as it so often is (i.e., “star-crossed love”).
We can think of long-term relationships between men and women (or even more broadly, not just to encompass homosexuality but also to consider family bonds and friendships) that did last “until death do us part”. But were those just a function of favorable circumstances? Could they too have been burst apart by a few more stressful moments?
Interesting question. Given my age, that makes me think of some lines from that 1970 song by The Moments, “Love on a Two Way Street” (a song that the teenyboppers might have listened to back when I was their age). I.e., “true love will never die / so I’ve been told / but now I must cry / It is finally goodbye, I know”. Ah, some doubt, some questioning as to whether there even is such a thing as “true love”!! Give my generation credit for its humility as to being able to know what true love is.
What do I think about all this? Well, perhaps there is some TRUE LOVE out there in the world, i.e. some love that is anchored in the most fundamental themes of creation; something anchored in “God”, if you want to look at it that way (and on most days, I do). Or in the “Mother of God”, as my friend Mary might say . . . But such love is a lot rarer than people think. Those who THINK that they are in LOVE probably are just going thru a mixture of youth, hormones and circumstances (as with Taylor Swift’s optimism that there is at least a chance of finding “true and real” love during one’s first romantic encounter in life).
Those who really are involved in TRUE LOVE probably don’t think about it much. And they are probably a good bit older. They may not even know who Taylor Swift is! (Hey, I only found out about her just a few weeks ago; fortunately, just a few days before I was talking with this college kid who told me something about a Taylor Swift concert, and at least I was able to say “so where was she playing?” — darn those androgynous baby names!).
Well, not that I am involved in any TRUE LOVE at this point in my life. Maybe I’m not ready for it yet. True and real love, undying love, would take a LOT of willingness to sacrifice on the part of another, to go way beyond the idea of “what’s in it for me?” I don’t think that most teenagers can appreciate that; perhaps most human beings of whatever age cannot.
But still, I agree with Caitlin Flanagan that something good may be happening with teen girls these days. It’s good that the Taylor Swift generation is at least asking questions again about TRUE AND REAL LOVE. It is a step, a first step but at least a step in the right direction, on the long, long road to wisdom in life.
Jim, There are several layers of approach a discussion about your blog on love might take—
and I would say that you have discussed several of these “layers.”. It may be that as one
advances through life one goes through the various levels (or layers) of discussion,
depending on the maturity level one may have at a particular point in life.
There is what I see as the level that seventeen year olds (male or female) may take regarding
love. Yes, you are right that for a lot of young people there is a mixture of youth,
hormones, and what you call “other circumstances.” I’m not sure what “other circumstances”
might be—perhaps simply the immaturity of the individual? But then, that immaturity must be
worked through so that the person can grow.
I do think that the level of “love” among young people today is particularly demeaning to the
female involved in “relationships”—from what I hear, anyway. According to Ms. Flanagan,
she was quite plain in stating just how demeaning the “world of love” is to the female
nowadays. And I would see the young girls who “hold out” for a “relationship” as taking a
step up in the growth in the development of maturity of the person.
Then you move from what I would see as a first step regarding the growth in maturity to
perhaps the “highest?” level of love—that of love that has Ontological Significance.
I would say there are a LOT of steps between the first movements in the individual toward
love and “ontological” love.
So let me just mention some kinds of “love” I have observed in people over the years. There
is the young couple embarking on a first marriage. Often that first marriage is based on
the all-enthralling first time a person actually becomes involved in an intimate relations
with another person. And here I must specify I am using “intimate” in a way it is usually
NOT defined; this type of “intimacy” has nothing to do with sex but has to do with one
person revealing the inner aspect of him/herself to another individual. That aspect of
loving is totally enthralling, and one sees the world literally through rose-colored glasses.
Another’s “faults” are “excused” in the glow given off by the rose-colored glasses. This
type of “love” lasts about 18 months to 2 years before a divorce is in the offing; the rose coloring fades fast. Then there are people who marry to escape from some aspect of life they are
running from—a bad situation in life, a refusal to acknowledge one’s homosexuality are two
examples that come to life. These types of relationships may last for a longer period of
time before they eventually fall apart. Often “love” between two people may be based on
needs that mesh. “I have a need for a rich husband; you have a need for a trophy wife.”
Again, often these types of marriages will last for some period of time; many of them are
nothing but business relationships. (There are many other examples I could give here, but
I will stop because this is getting very long.)
As to “ontological relationships” I DO think there are such. People may mistake
relationships based on need, etc., as being “ontological”. And maybe they are ontological
for a period of time. Because something has an ontological “base” does not mean it will “last forever.” In fact, I wonder: Could not one say that one of the qualities of ontology is
that it is NOT eternal? (Or I may be wrong here.)
As to an “ontological love” that lasts until death: I also have no doubt as to the fact
that these types of love certainly DO exist, and they may exist on the lower levels of
maturity (at least for a period of time, but sometimes for life).
Is there such a thing as ontological relationships that last until death? Well, it seems
to me that there certainly are many examples of people who stay together when one would
think there surely must be a divergence of ways in the offing. Take the Clintons, for
example: Explain any other reason those two are still together other than some underlying
ontological relationship binds them.
As to the point about where God comes in regarding love between two people: I tend to think
much more in terms of humanity than God. It seems to me that if God comes into love
between two people, such love is much more in seeing God in the other person, in treating
the other person as one would treat Christ. Or let me define this in purely non-religious
terms: Might true love consist in relating to the other individual in such a way that
his/her problems become “my” problems; his/her joys become my joys; his/her hardships
become my hardships. What happens to the other person is as if it happens to “me.”
I must say that I disagree that those who are in TRUE LOVE “don’t think about it much.”
I think that such individuals are aware of the bond between them any time they think of
the other individual, which likely is a great deal of their life.
You bring up the “what’s in it for me” idea when it comes to love, which to me seems it
would be an oxymoron. By definition such a relationship would be completely one sided
with one (or both?) of the individuals being deceived as to the concept of “love” the
other individual “holds.”
I must say I COMPLETELY agree with you on your final paragraph. That the sooner this
youngest generation starts looking for something more TRUE AND REAL, the better, the
faster they will mature as persons.
And I’d say so far this discussion barely touches the surface of this topic. MCS
Comment by MCS — May 31, 2010 @ 6:12 pm
i never set out earlier in life to find my “one true love”… and yet, i have encountered a great deal of love, deep and rich in texture and hue, and some even longlasting ( between twenty and forty years, i think this qualifies for longlasting does it not?)… at middle age, one settles down into a sort of smile, at the mention of LOVE, because it has come to mean so many different things by now, has it not?… ontological existence?… i do not know for sure, but i do know that the different colours of love in my life have made me who i am… and i have observed some who have not had the blessing of such love, and i have felt great sadness for them, because they seem (to me) all the more frail and fiercely afraid because of this… so, why does “love” escape some and fall all like a thunderstorm over others?… is it circumstance, as you mentioned, or innate personality, or an infinite combination and permutation of the myriad of hidden and revealed things that we call ‘life’ ?… again i ramble on… thank you for your ‘lovely’ post… it made me smile, a deep grateful smile, and reminded me that i am loved… regardless of whatever its ontology… :-)
Comment by spunkykitty — June 1, 2010 @ 3:03 am
Spunkykitty, your comments are perfect and right on the mark. What a good
contribution you have made to this discussion. MCS
Comment by MCS — June 1, 2010 @ 9:01 am
Jim, And then there are the Gores who, after 40 years, feel enough is enough.
Perhaps we just live too long these days. A thousand years ago or even five hundred
people had shorter life spans. “Till death do us part” could definitely mean something
when women had a life expectancy of the mid-twenties and men in the forties. Nowadays
maybe a couple after even 40 years feels there is an end to the bond between them.
Or is the bond still there–just that the “love” seems to have faded? MCS
Comment by MCS — June 2, 2010 @ 2:06 pm