I don’t get out to the movies much anymore; there just aren’t many movies that I want to see. Back when I was in my late 30s and early 40s I dated some women, and thus became quite a movie maven. The movies all started blending into one another, though. So, for the past 15 years or so, I’ve rarely gotten out to a theater; a film really has to be special for me to go see it.
(I’m not into renting movies either; if there’s a movie I do want to see, I would rather have the social experience of seeing the film with others, even if they’re strangers. Seeing a movie in a theater is an important ritual, and every now and then it’s good for me to participate in some kind of mythological social event. Every now and then.)
I recently decided to find out if the movie “Adam” was special enough for me. I’d read some reviews and knew that it was a romance story involving a young guy with Aspergers Syndrome. I only found out what Aspergers was about 5 years ago, and since then I’ve wondered if I myself have it. Some of it sounds very familiar (e.g., intense interests in technical subjects, difficulty in reading unspoken social signals from others, avoidance of eye contact, formation of routine life-habits that when disturbed cause angst); but other typical “Aspie” traits don’t (monotone unemotional voice, frequent repetitive motions, avoidance of loud sounds, no tolerance and understanding when other people tell white lies or half-truths, general lack of awareness regarding others’ feelings). I’ve taken some of those “Are You An Aspie” tests on the web, and what they tell me is not surprising: that I’m half-and-half, lying on the hazy border between Aspergers and “neurotypicality”. So perhaps I’m a half-ass Aspie, or a “half-Asp”.
I honestly don’t know anyone else whom I can pin down with Aspergers, so I thought it would be interesting to see a movie version of an Aspie. The actor who portrayed Adam (Hugh Darcy) made a lot of effort to study Aspergers and spent time with young people who definitively do have it (according to their shrinks, anyway). Various web sources, including one citing Aspergers expert Dr. Tony Attwood, indicate that Darcy did a convincing job of portraying an Aspie – or more accurately, a credible version of an Aspie (there is no “gold standard Aspie” who defines the condition; relative to many “personality disorders”, Aspergers is harder to define and thus covers a broad range of behavioral traits and temperaments). So, I figured it was time to get a ten dollar bill out and put aside two hours for a theater visit.
Overall I enjoyed Adam and I’m glad that I broke out of my anti-movie rut for a day (even though it was hard; Aspies and even half-Asps like me have a hard time breaking out of ruts). It’s the kind of movie that I’d like to see again (but that will have to wait, as I went on the last day it was showing in my town; there were only five other people watching Adam that day, so obviously it is not a blockbuster hit). As to what it told me about myself – well, not too much. I certainly can say that I was never quite like that; I’m no social butterfly, but even in my youth I had more “social grace” than Adam. And by the same token I never had Adam’s better qualities either, i.e. his clumsy innocence and devotion to truth.
But then again, I really enjoyed Adam’s babbling on and on with Beth, his new love-interest, about the formation of the universe. I didn’t want him to stop. I’d really like to have a conversation with the dude about this. When he got all upset with the lawyer handling his late father’s estate about having to move from his father’s co-op apartment, I remembered how upset I got about possibly having to move from my own little apartment this November (luckily I got a year’s extension on that). In general, his life mostly made sense to me, although I can see better than he what other people are thinking and feeling. And yet, my own “social radar” only goes so far; I clearly miss a lot of signals, or realize them only too late to do anything about them. It’s the old “connotation versus denotation” problem of human interaction; a problem to Aspies, anyway.
The credibility of the plot was a bit strained, but not bad by Hollywood standards. The ending was bittersweet enough. If you plan to see Adam and don’t want the ending spoiled, stop reading right here. But I myself don’t think you’ll go to see this movie for suspense and plot twists. Adam’s new girlfriend has to make a decision whether to follow him to California, where he found a great new job after getting traumatically canned from his job in New York; or to stay in the East and help her mother after her wheeler-dealer father gets sent to a federal prison for financial fraud. Beth focuses on her own needs, her desire to find someone she can truly share emotions with. She concludes that Adam is not the guy for that. She asked him why he wanted her to go with him, and he said that he loved her; when asked to elaborate, it was clear that he loved her like a mother, as someone to take care of him in a scary new situation.
OK, so maybe Beth was right, despite her self-absorption. Beth’s own mother suggested that perhaps she should do the noble thing and play Mother Theresa to Adam, just as she herself was standing by her dishonest husband who, in addition to getting nailed on federal charges, had also recently had an affair with another woman. But not many young people are ready to give up their emotional dreams like that (or old people either). And of course, there’s a happy-enough ending, both despite and because of Beth. Adam does well in California and matures a bit, showing a bit more comfort and grace around others.
Adam and Beth had a short, conflicted and intense relationship, one that was doomed from the start; “star-crossed”, appropriately enough, given Adam’s obsession with astronomy. But they were both better off for it (on Beth’s side, she used Adam’s interest in the nocturnal raccoons in Central Park as inspiration for her first published children’s book; of course she named the lead raccoon “Adam”).
Yea, I’ve been there; short, intense and tragic relationships that still leave you better off, although you won’t know it for a while. But Adam went a bit further than I did; he made it to “geek heaven” (a high-tech job surrounded by lots of other geeky people like him), and from there made his accommodations with the majority of non-geeks. I tried to stay in the “neurotypical world” to do some good (law school, grantwriting for non-profits, government work), and got pushed aside. I didn’t do that much good either (although they say that you never see the good you do).
But yes, Adam is a pleasant-enough movie, whether you’re an Aspie (here’s a review by one), or you’re normal, or you’re in-between (like me). I’m glad that I got out to see it and “got my geek on”. The next morning, it was back to work, back to being Mr. Almost Normal. Oh well, such is life.
Jim,
I find myself thinking of 3 different responses to your blog—a superficial response of talking about movies themselves, a little deeper level of response to considering books one might read on autism and how others lived their lives with their particular version of Asperger’s, and then what I think of as the deepest response, some comments on what I see as the underlying (and perhaps subconscious and hidden) aspects about social interation involved in your blog today.
So, I’ll start with the superficial: When it comes to movies, I too tend to avoid “blockbuster” movies and search out the “little” Indie movies that almost nobody sees and/or foreign language films—which few people consider (too much like reading a book perhaps as one must read the subtitles) or are interested in. However, I’ve found that for purely excellent story telling, foreign language films most of the time can’t be beat; sometimes there’s nothing like a really good story to take one’s mind off life’s troubles. (I find myself liking the movies that China makes lately.)
Now to the second level of response: If it comes to reading about other people who absolutely “have” Asperger’s, there are 3 authors who have written very well on their attempts to deal with full-blown Asperger’s in their lives. I’d recommend the following: anything by Temple Grandin; I think she’s the acknowledged “expert” on living a life “with” Asperger’s. (And let me stop here and mention that I really don’t like to use the words “have” and Asperger’s together or the word “with” and Asperger’s; it would seem to me that an “Asperger’s” person IS an “Asperger’s person”; I don’t see it as a disease but as the way the person is MADE; thus that IS the way he/she IS.) Two other authors who are Asperger’s individuals and have excellent books out on how they have managed their lives: Augusten Burroughs (pen name of Christopher Robison) and his brother John Elder Robison.
Now to the third level of discussion concerning your blog today: I wonder if your comment that “my own “social radar” only goes so far; I clearly miss a lot of signals, or realize them only too late to do anything about them. It's the old “connotation versus denotation” problem of human interaction” is not more of a “man” problem than an Asperger’s difficulty. There are a LOT of “just plain men” around who could certainly say what you have. To illustrate this point: The other day I happened to be flipping channels and inadvertently got “stuck” on a Jerry Springer program. What intrigued me was this young man who was telling his story. I found myself intrigued watching his body language—especially the facial expressions of the young man “telling his story.” His expressions indicated that he somehow felt “happy”; I realized that likely this young man has few people in his life who were truly INTERESTED in his story (as mundane as it was). To him, of course, it was the MOST interesting story in the world as it involved his story. Unfortunately, the audience was listening to his story only to berate, mock, and deride him—but they were INTERESTED in him. The young man, however, seemed to “miss” the signals that were being given off by the audience even as they listened to his story. Then there is a middle-aged man I know who loves social interaction but who, after such social interaction, will tell me that he wonders why he actually spends his time on such social interaction as he KNOWS the people he is interacting with are DEFINITELY not really interested in him at all—only in what they think he may do/give/help them with, etc.
MCS
(Continued)
Comment by MCS — September 27, 2009 @ 12:44 pm
Jim,
I find myself thinking of 3 different responses to your blog—a superficial response of talking about movies themselves, a little deeper level of response to considering books one might read on autism and how others lived their lives with their particular version of Asperger’s, and then what I think of as the deepest response, some comments on what I see as the underlying (and perhaps subconscious and hidden) aspects about social interation involved in your blog today.
So, I’ll start with the superficial: When it comes to movies, I too tend to avoid “blockbuster” movies and search out the “little” Indie movies that almost nobody sees and/or foreign language films—which few people consider (too much like reading a book perhaps as one must read the subtitles) or are interested in. However, I’ve found that for purely excellent story telling, foreign language films most of the time can’t be beat; sometimes there’s nothing like a really good story to take one’s mind off life’s troubles. (I find myself liking the movies that China makes lately.)
Now to the second level of response: If it comes to reading about other people who absolutely “have” Asperger’s, there are 3 authors who have written very well on their attempts to deal with full-blown Asperger’s in their lives. I’d recommend the following: anything by Temple Grandin; I think she’s the acknowledged “expert” on living a life “with” Asperger’s. (And let me stop here and mention that I really don’t like to use the words “have” and Asperger’s together or the word “with” and Asperger’s; it would seem to me that an “Asperger’s” person IS an “Asperger’s person”; I don’t see it as a disease but as the way the person is MADE; thus that IS the way he/she IS.) Two other authors who are Asperger’s individuals and have excellent books out on how they have managed their lives: Augusten Burroughs (pen name of Christopher Robison) and his brother John Elder Robison.
Now to the third level of discussion concerning your blog today: I wonder if your comment that “my own “social radar” only goes so far; I clearly miss a lot of signals, or realize them only too late to do anything about them. It's the old “connotation versus denotation” problem of human interaction” is not more of a “man” problem than an Asperger’s difficulty. There are a LOT of “just plain men” around who could certainly say what you have. To illustrate this point: The other day I happened to be flipping channels and inadvertently got “stuck” on a Jerry Springer program. What intrigued me was this young man who was telling his story. I found myself intrigued watching his body language—especially the facial expressions of the young man “telling his story.” His expressions indicated that he somehow felt “happy”; I realized that likely this young man has few people in his life who were truly INTERESTED in his story (as mundane as it was). To him, of course, it was the MOST interesting story in the world as it involved his story. Unfortunately, the audience was listening to his story only to berate, mock, and deride him—but they were INTERESTED in him. The young man, however, seemed to “miss” the signals that were being given off by the audience even as they listened to his story. Then there is a middle-aged man I know who loves social interaction but who, after such social interaction, will tell me that he wonders why he actually spends his time on such social interaction as he KNOWS the people he is interacting with are DEFINITELY not really interested in him at all—only in what they think he may do/give/help them with, etc.
MCS
(Continued)
Comment by MCS — September 27, 2009 @ 12:44 pm
(Continued from above)
I found myself wondering at how many men there are who seldom (if ever) first, have learned to express their deeper emotional life to anyone at all—even the women in their lives who they are supposedly “intimate” with and second, totally miss or misread the signals given off by others to whom they are speaking. Might not some education on what to watch for in other people’s body language help these individuals? I pose it as a question as I am not sure I have an answer. To give a 3rd illustration: I once heard a male movie star say to a woman who asked him something about his emotional reactions (I paraphrase): Men have two emotions: anger and sex. So don’t bring up “emotions.” I found myself thinking that this man was surely missing the nuances of an emotional life that would vastly enrich his life. My question was then: Is he UNABLE to respond with other more subtle emotions? If so, why should he be so limited? If he is not UNable to consider other emotions, what is it that limits him so grievously? What it is he thinks a man should be? If that is the case, surely men have been robbed most seriously of an enriched life.
So I find myself reflecting: Is the problem you express a “man’s problem” or is it TRULY an aspect of Asperger’s syndrome?
Furthermore, I simply cannot resist my own comment on a portion of your statement about the characters in the movie: “OK, so maybe Beth was right, despite her self-absorption. Beth's own mother suggested that perhaps she should do the noble thing and play Mother Theresa to Adam,…But not many young people are ready to give up their emotional dreams like that (or old people either).”
I find myself “confused” (I think that’s the word) about the fact that people often do not realize that in ANY truly intimate relationship (which is what most people are truly seeking) any thought of “playing” “mother” or “father” in a relationship is out of the question. It would seem to me that a PART of any truly intimate relationship would include (but not be limited to) being motherLY/fatherLY at appropriate times. (One such time that comes to mind immediately is in the illness of one of the individuals. Then too, don’t we often “play” mother/father to our own parents when they fall seriously ill?) Why totally exclude that aspect of an intimate relationship? Of course, in the kind of relationship that presumably is what the “search” here is all about, other aspects of intimacy would prevail at appropriate times. But is must confess that I think if people considered “doing for others”, they would find themselves realizing a kind of emotional satisfaction that can be realized no other way.
Then too I simply must comment on the aspect of the movie that dealt with a physical MOVE involving one of the characters—and here I digress somewhat. If I quote stats correctly (and I’m such an expert on STATS!—NOT), psychologists tell us that moving one’s place of residence is in the top five of most traumatic events of a person’s life—death of a loved one taking first place, and divorce taking second place. (If I remember correctly.) Thus, a residential move of any kind would certainly arouse some serious emotional adjustments that have to be made by an individual moving his/her residence.
Lastly, I simply must say that I think you sell yourself short in how you see your contribution to “humanity in general.” We all have had our dreams of the great things we would accomplish for all the world—only to come to realize that our contribution is miniscule when looked at with the perspective of some years of life. However, I do not think that diminishes AT ALL the contribution that the individual has made. I think back to my early years when I was taught that the way to truly change the world was to live my own life in the best way I could. Think of it—everybody doing just that…… I’d say your contribution to the good of the world is as good as you could have made it—and what else can be asked of a person.
MCS
Comment by MCS — September 27, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
(Continued from above)
I found myself wondering at how many men there are who seldom (if ever) first, have learned to express their deeper emotional life to anyone at all—even the women in their lives who they are supposedly “intimate” with and second, totally miss or misread the signals given off by others to whom they are speaking. Might not some education on what to watch for in other people’s body language help these individuals? I pose it as a question as I am not sure I have an answer. To give a 3rd illustration: I once heard a male movie star say to a woman who asked him something about his emotional reactions (I paraphrase): Men have two emotions: anger and sex. So don’t bring up “emotions.” I found myself thinking that this man was surely missing the nuances of an emotional life that would vastly enrich his life. My question was then: Is he UNABLE to respond with other more subtle emotions? If so, why should he be so limited? If he is not UNable to consider other emotions, what is it that limits him so grievously? What it is he thinks a man should be? If that is the case, surely men have been robbed most seriously of an enriched life.
So I find myself reflecting: Is the problem you express a “man’s problem” or is it TRULY an aspect of Asperger’s syndrome?
Furthermore, I simply cannot resist my own comment on a portion of your statement about the characters in the movie: “OK, so maybe Beth was right, despite her self-absorption. Beth's own mother suggested that perhaps she should do the noble thing and play Mother Theresa to Adam,…But not many young people are ready to give up their emotional dreams like that (or old people either).”
I find myself “confused” (I think that’s the word) about the fact that people often do not realize that in ANY truly intimate relationship (which is what most people are truly seeking) any thought of “playing” “mother” or “father” in a relationship is out of the question. It would seem to me that a PART of any truly intimate relationship would include (but not be limited to) being motherLY/fatherLY at appropriate times. (One such time that comes to mind immediately is in the illness of one of the individuals. Then too, don’t we often “play” mother/father to our own parents when they fall seriously ill?) Why totally exclude that aspect of an intimate relationship? Of course, in the kind of relationship that presumably is what the “search” here is all about, other aspects of intimacy would prevail at appropriate times. But is must confess that I think if people considered “doing for others”, they would find themselves realizing a kind of emotional satisfaction that can be realized no other way.
Then too I simply must comment on the aspect of the movie that dealt with a physical MOVE involving one of the characters—and here I digress somewhat. If I quote stats correctly (and I’m such an expert on STATS!—NOT), psychologists tell us that moving one’s place of residence is in the top five of most traumatic events of a person’s life—death of a loved one taking first place, and divorce taking second place. (If I remember correctly.) Thus, a residential move of any kind would certainly arouse some serious emotional adjustments that have to be made by an individual moving his/her residence.
Lastly, I simply must say that I think you sell yourself short in how you see your contribution to “humanity in general.” We all have had our dreams of the great things we would accomplish for all the world—only to come to realize that our contribution is miniscule when looked at with the perspective of some years of life. However, I do not think that diminishes AT ALL the contribution that the individual has made. I think back to my early years when I was taught that the way to truly change the world was to live my own life in the best way I could. Think of it—everybody doing just that…… I’d say your contribution to the good of the world is as good as you could have made it�
Comment by MCS — September 27, 2009 @ 12:45 pm