I’m a regular reader of The Atlantic magazine and I enjoy the semi-regular pieces written by Sandra Tsing Loh regarding modern family life and relationship issues. Ms. Tsing Loh blends the subtle and the blunt quite nicely. She usually starts with the standard modern-female issues and viewpoints, but then mixes in drafts of earthy humor and ‘what the hell does that mean’ cynicism, even at her own expense. In a nutshell, she keeps it real.
Unfortunately, Loh is going through a marital breakup and divorce, and her thoughts about it in the July Atlantic (‘Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off’) are void of her usual insight and refreshing candor. I myself went through a divorce, and I remember that my own thoughts and writings about it were rambling, confused, contradictory and self-indulgent during the first year or two thereafter. The Atlantic was doing Ms. Tsing Loh a favor by publishing her recent piece, thinly disguised as a book review. Perhaps it will contribute to her healing process, and perhaps they owe it to her after all the other good stuff she’s provided them with.
I posted a fairly detailed reflection on Ms. Tsing Loh’s article on a nice little blog called She Started It. The “she” in question is a writer, wife and mother from the Atlanta area. “She” (Anjali E.S.) was gracious enough to accept my comments and acknowledge my thoughts. I was careful to thank Ms. E.S. for her insight regarding Ms. Tsing Loh’s blaming the world around her for what happened to her marriage. I amplified and developed Anjali’s insight; but as her blog title says, she indeed started it.
I want to further extend that line of thinking here, especially with regard to Ms. Tsing Loh’s reflections on her own husband and about various other husbands she knows. I hope this is not too unfair, but I read Loh as saying that post-feminist men don’t function anymore; their libidos are shot. Enlightened guys who went along with becoming sharing helpmeets weren’t robust enough to keep the fires of passion burning. Modern men just aren’t strong enough to meet the modern woman’s reasonable demands. As such, Ms. Tsing Loh tells us that some modern Euro women are turning to immigrant men from the Islamic lands. (Good luck with that!)
Again, as pointed out by her critics (many of whom are women), Ms. Tsing Loh admits to an affair, admits that she and her husband were spending more time apart with their careers, and claims that she “doesn’t have the strength” to work on reconciliation. She thus seems a bit unrealistic in her expectations regarding marriage and men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that women are solely or primarily responsible for making marriages work. I realize that relationships are highly interactive phenomenon; Loh’s evident loss of enthusiasm regarding her marital relationship cannot, by definition, be all her doing. But I do think that a viable marriage takes a lot of work on both parties’ accounts; forget the romantic illusions, and forget the expectation that the emotional burdens will always be fairly and evenly split. Again, I’m not saying that women should be given the duty by society of making marriages work. However, for marriages that do work, there often are times when one party has to work more than the other to keep things from falling apart.
Yes, I know that I’m not exactly the best person to make that statement, given that I couldn’t make my own marriage work. I don’t want to go into the whole thing here. But I will say that I put a lot of effort into my own marriage before concluding that it was beyond repair. I will also admit to having done something much like what Sandra Tsing Loh is now doing; I blamed the Catholic Church, then my family, then my ex’s family, then myself, then her, then my boss, then the corporate world . . . Until I finally accepted the fact that this on this planet, irony and tragedy flourish alongside hope and fulfillment. In a number of years, as wisdom seeps in, Loh might well realize that blaming social institutions and one-half of the human race for what happened between her and her ex was perhaps a bit hasty.
But right now, Ms. Tsing Loh is hurt, and long-run views cannot be expected of her. However, she has issued a video on the Atlantic web site where she talks about her divorce from within a U Haul trailer. Her sense of humor thus hasn’t gone completely off-line. That’s a good sign. I think she’s going to be OK, in good time.
Jim,
I must say that there is only one point in your blog that I have somewhat ambivalent response to; otherwise, I really agree with your comments on Ms. Tsing Loh’s article.
I did notice as I read her article a couple of weeks ago that she quickly glided over what likely was her own major contribution to the end of her marriage by mentioning in a phrase in a sentence that she had an affair. I couldn't help but think as I read that point, buried in a sentence: hey, wait a minute; what did you just say?
As one of my siblings and I have said several times about members of our own family who have had divorces: "There are two sides to every story." We may be inclined to have more of a response to one side or the other; but in the end, there are two sides to every story.
In addition I have firmly held (and as I grow older, still firmly hold) the conviction that when it comes to marriages (or what may substitute for marriages in our society today), no outsider can really know what went on between two people. How does that song go? Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. It's that simple when it comes to "outsiders" having anything to say about a marriage and/or a divorce—only the two people involved really know the situation. Well, I would agree that one might say a sincere "How sad" to either/both parties. But that is the extend outsiders can comment, as I see it.
As to “keeping the fires of passion burning”: I can see that both/either the man or the woman (or from another standpoint either partner) in a relationship may not always feel inclined to have sex; often it is just “too much work.” (I have often thought that people never notice that most people have periods of celibacy in their lives now and then, here and there. In our society today everybody is supposed to be doing “IT” all the time. Unrealistic!) I would say particularly at such moments, when sex becomes “work”, is the dreaded word “cuddling” appropriate—a much maligned word in my opinion. Simple human touch, simple human physical closeness often is a particularly appropriate substitute for sex, especially when one is exhausted.
And in regard to the point I am ambivalent about: I am not sure what I think at this point about the institution of marriage. My mother, a year or so before she died at the age of eighty-nine and who was a most Victorian Lady, said to me one day: “I always thought two people were married if they said they were married”. (I have to confess to almost falling off my chair by the fact that the remark came out of my mother’s mouth.) Knowing my mother, she likely meant to include the idea of “THOUGHT they were married.” The older I grow, the more I agree with her. I am not sure what I think about the institution of marriage any more. (I should say I was married 24 years to my husband when he died.) I particularly am not sure what I think about Churches getting in on the act when it comes to marriages.
MCS
Comment by MCS — June 21, 2009 @ 7:21 pm
Jim,
I must say that there is only one point in your blog that I have somewhat ambivalent response to; otherwise, I really agree with your comments on Ms. Tsing Loh’s article.
I did notice as I read her article a couple of weeks ago that she quickly glided over what likely was her own major contribution to the end of her marriage by mentioning in a phrase in a sentence that she had an affair. I couldn't help but think as I read that point, buried in a sentence: hey, wait a minute; what did you just say?
As one of my siblings and I have said several times about members of our own family who have had divorces: "There are two sides to every story." We may be inclined to have more of a response to one side or the other; but in the end, there are two sides to every story.
In addition I have firmly held (and as I grow older, still firmly hold) the conviction that when it comes to marriages (or what may substitute for marriages in our society today), no outsider can really know what went on between two people. How does that song go? Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. It's that simple when it comes to "outsiders" having anything to say about a marriage and/or a divorce—only the two people involved really know the situation. Well, I would agree that one might say a sincere "How sad" to either/both parties. But that is the extend outsiders can comment, as I see it.
As to “keeping the fires of passion burning”: I can see that both/either the man or the woman (or from another standpoint either partner) in a relationship may not always feel inclined to have sex; often it is just “too much work.” (I have often thought that people never notice that most people have periods of celibacy in their lives now and then, here and there. In our society today everybody is supposed to be doing “IT” all the time. Unrealistic!) I would say particularly at such moments, when sex becomes “work”, is the dreaded word “cuddling” appropriate—a much maligned word in my opinion. Simple human touch, simple human physical closeness often is a particularly appropriate substitute for sex, especially when one is exhausted.
And in regard to the point I am ambivalent about: I am not sure what I think at this point about the institution of marriage. My mother, a year or so before she died at the age of eighty-nine and who was a most Victorian Lady, said to me one day: “I always thought two people were married if they said they were married”. (I have to confess to almost falling off my chair by the fact that the remark came out of my mother’s mouth.) Knowing my mother, she likely meant to include the idea of “THOUGHT they were married.” The older I grow, the more I agree with her. I am not sure what I think about the institution of marriage any more. (I should say I was married 24 years to my husband when he died.) I particularly am not sure what I think about Churches getting in on the act when it comes to marriages.
MCS
Comment by MCS — June 21, 2009 @ 7:21 pm