In the time before I turned 40 but after my marriage broke up, it occurred to me that a guy’s chances of getting into a romantic relationship with an available woman are usually determined within the first two or three seconds after meeting. After years of rough experience, I finally noticed that some women just plain like you from the first moment they see you; and some really dislike you. Actually, most are more-or-less neutral.
Still, if you want to get a relationship going, your best chances were with the first group. The second group would be a waste of time, no matter how much you otherwise had in common, and no matter how much you might feel attracted to someone who just doesn’t like your look. The third group is not impossible, but it takes a lot of work. And it keeps on taking a lot of work. If you get a relationship going with someone from the neutral zone, it could fall apart as soon as you start feeling secure enough to stop buying flowers and writing love notes every day (and try to get a night or two in with your old friends).
It also occurred to me that there is really no rhyme or reason as to how the three groups break down. Women who seemed totally not-my-type, who had nothing in common with me, sometimes fell into the attraction group. (OK, I am an honest if not rudely handsome man; I will admit that there are not hundreds and hundreds of women like that out there). And yet women with everything in common too often fall into the immediate dislike group. There is something unexplainable that happens in that first second or two of observation. Over the years, there have been a fair number of not-so-beautiful women in my attraction group; but surprisingly, there were some real beauties too (but of course there weren’t very many, and I always messed things up in the end with them). Furthermore, some of the “fan club” have included women of different ethnicities and race. Whatever this factor is, it’s an equal opportunity factor.
Eventually I extended the theory to other parts of life; low and behold, it seemed to work beyond the realm of dating and mating. It seemed to apply with people of all ages, both men and women (albeit on a non-sexual basis). It seemed to apply to job interviews (usually to my disadvantage). Some people just like you at first, and others shun you, without any rational reason other than “an inner hunch”. There’s a guy at work who just didn’t like me from day 1; I picked that up pretty quickly and so I didn’t waste any energy trying to be his friend. But after six years, the guy finally seems to be lightening up. He seems to have decided that I’m not quite the creep that his gut feelings made me out to be. Nonetheless, it took six years and the fact that some of his friends have been getting along with me just fine to change his mind; that’s how strong this ‘immediate judgment’ factor is. (It also works on in the other way too; if you ignore one of your natural fans, they may eventually turn against you, but that also takes quite a while).
I’ve noticed that the world of real science is starting to pick up on the “first sight” factor. There have been a couple of articles lately about the research of a psychologist named Nalini Ambady. One study indicated that a group of people looking at pictures of strangers could correctly guess the person’s sexual orientation (gay or straight) with surprising success, significantly higher than 50-50. Another similar study indicated that successful business leaders have a certain look that can be picked out, and that correlates with the financial success of their firms. Again, a group of average people looking at a stack of pictures could pick out those who were gay or were successful leaders with fairly good accuracy and agreement. An older study by Ambady indicated that college students decide whether they are going to like or dislike a professor in the first second that they see them. The initial impression was shown to carry right thru to the end of the semester.
There’s an old name for this field of study: physiognomy. Actually, physiognomy is considered junk science or “folk science” at best. But the work of Ambady and some others is showing that there may be something to the “immediate judgement” factor. There are actually two different questions raised by physiognomy: FIRST, just how strongly do people prejudice their judgments about another person based on the first look; and SECOND, are they right about their initial feelings? The research seems to indicate that people really do “read a book by its cover”, as my past experiences tend to indicate. (So I’m not 100% crazy after all).
But as to the SECOND question — that issue is still up in the air. We have three examples: being gay, being a good business leader, and being a good professor. Assuming that a random group of people tend to agree on first sight that person X looks like she’s gay or would be a good business leader, or would make a good teacher, does that mean that the face and the body actually reflect mental abilities and personality temperaments? OR, as I suspect, is it more the case that a person “floats to the top” in business or academia because the majority of people THINK she or he will be a good executive or teacher? Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Even with the gay situation, which we increasingly believe to be a function of nature and not nurture, one has to wonder if a child’s sexuality is partly shaped by what people around him or her sub-consciously think about him or her. (In other words, sexual preference may be shaped as much by social – genetic factors as by direct genetic determinants of behavior).
Well, in a way this depresses me. We seem to think that every child can become whatever she or he wants to become; it’s a very American notion. (And likewise, we blame every adult who doesn’t achieve their dreams; just didn’t have the fire inside.) And yet, maybe we’re all locked onto certain pathways in life because of a social judgment processes based upon the unalterable appearances of our body. Even if you have the interest and the strength and the mind to become an astronaut, if you don’t have the look (and the right opportunities, which may be a function of the right look), then you ain’t gonna make it. The “right stuff” needs the right look. Sure, not everyone can be a singer or an athlete or a senator or a great intellect; but everyone is good at something. Whatever that good is, for it to become truly GREAT may depend on how one’s nose is placed relative to their eyeline and upper lip, most ironically.
And as to the whole dating thing: you can find someone who shares your every interest, and whom you find very attractive; and yet, if that person just doesn’t feel the tingle at the start, then you’re probably never going to be more than good friends. The woman who is actually interested in you is going to have a totally different look from what you dig, and she finds most of your interests to be trivial. She may not like your style. And yet, she’s ready to be asked out to dinner. (Unless, of course, you’re an NFL quarterback or screen actor in your mid-20s, and you have your choice of all kinds of women.) Life is a roll of the dice. Some people get lucky and find their soul mates, i.e., someone with common interests who is attracted to you as much as you are to her. And some people just don’t.
No matter what the shrinks try to tell you, too often the losers and neurotics of the world actually ARE unlucky — just plain unlucky. The physiognomy thing tends to affirm that there isn’t all that much substantive difference between those with much achievement and fame (or even just basic happiness), and those who die as discontented nobodies.
Jim,
I have to say I have mixed feelings about your Jan. 28 blog. On the one hand I think: Ok you are probably right. But then I can think of a couple of “things” influencing the immediate like/not like syndrome. One is I have regretfully realized that there are actually people around who simply insist on judging people on superficial characteristics, i.e., is he/she “hot”? Now this to me is peculiar in that some of the worst mass murderers (and I kid you not on this) were charming, extremely good looking–in short, “hot.” A caution in my mind.
I learned something when I was a young girl in grammar school–perhaps about 5th or 6th grade. I noticed that when I liked a teacher on the first day, went home to my mother and said, Mom, my teacher is SOOOOOOO nice that by the end of the year I HATED her for whatever reason. But I also noticed that a teacher who I was not too sure about, maybe didn’t even really like because I tho’t she (yes, all my early teachers were female) was going to be a “hard” teacher turned out to be a great teacher; I ALWAYS ended up really liking that teacher by the end of the year. I learned that early on in my life; I wonder at the generations that followed me. Are they really that dense so as not to be able to figure out the same thing I could figure out: Don’t judge on first impressions.
Second, I have noticed that when people have an immediate “I can’t stand that person” reaction to an individual. Often that person reflects back to the individual something about the person that he/she does not like about him/herself. The person is REALLY responding to something inside him/herself that the individual does not like about him/herself. I’ve noticed it several times. I HATE him because he’s too controlling–this from the woman who has to control everything around her. I HATE her because she’s full of herself–this from the guy who himself thinks he’s God’s gift to the world. I HATE her because she can’t think of anybody but herself–this from a man who himself is unable to think of anyone but himself. I could never go out with him because he’s not rich–this from a woman who herself will only get rich by divorcing a rich man; hard work to earn a living is not on her horizon. And on and on.
Then too I can’t help but think that all advertising in this United States seems to emphasize (and for quite a long time so far) You! You! You!–an unending emphasis on YOU! I find myself thinking is there no one at all in the world (I guess of the United States) who has even one altruistic thought toward even one person other than him/herself? It does seem that the baby boomers have concretized (never to be changed) in their psyche the “Well, enough about me, let’s talk about you. Tell me what do YOU think about ME?” syndrome. Hopeless.
As to college students who decide on the first second they see a teacher whether they like or dislike him/her: I wonder if word-of-mouth about the teacher that preceded the “first-second look”, students talking about teachers–all right, bad mouthing them–have more to do with influencing how the students felt about the teachers the “first second.” And there definitely IS word of mouth about teachers: “Don’t take him; you’ll never pass.” “Take her; she’s an easy A.” Etc. And here is where illiteracy being rampant in the land comes in: Such judgments about teachers do not take into consideration even a drop of how much may be learned in a class or from a teacher. No wonder graduates with a bachelor’s degree can’t read. I actually had a relative with a master’s degree tell me last summer that after he got out of school, he never read a book; worse!! many years ago a teacher I worked with made the same statement! What?! I said nothing, but I couldn’t help but think: Good grief!
And I think you are also correct about the self-fulfilling prophecy. However, I find myself disagreeing with you about the comment that “gay-ness” may be shaped subconsciously about what people THINK of the individual. I
Comment by Anonymous — January 29, 2008 @ 4:25 pm
Jim,
I have to say I have mixed feelings about your Jan. 28 blog. On the one hand I think: Ok you are probably right. But then I can think of a couple of “things” influencing the immediate like/not like syndrome. One is I have regretfully realized that there are actually people around who simply insist on judging people on superficial characteristics, i.e., is he/she “hot”? Now this to me is peculiar in that some of the worst mass murderers (and I kid you not on this) were charming, extremely good looking–in short, “hot.” A caution in my mind.
I learned something when I was a young girl in grammar school–perhaps about 5th or 6th grade. I noticed that when I liked a teacher on the first day, went home to my mother and said, Mom, my teacher is SOOOOOOO nice that by the end of the year I HATED her for whatever reason. But I also noticed that a teacher who I was not too sure about, maybe didn’t even really like because I tho’t she (yes, all my early teachers were female) was going to be a “hard” teacher turned out to be a great teacher; I ALWAYS ended up really liking that teacher by the end of the year. I learned that early on in my life; I wonder at the generations that followed me. Are they really that dense so as not to be able to figure out the same thing I could figure out: Don’t judge on first impressions.
Second, I have noticed that when people have an immediate “I can’t stand that person” reaction to an individual. Often that person reflects back to the individual something about the person that he/she does not like about him/herself. The person is REALLY responding to something inside him/herself that the individual does not like about him/herself. I’ve noticed it several times. I HATE him because he’s too controlling–this from the woman who has to control everything around her. I HATE her because she’s full of herself–this from the guy who himself thinks he’s God’s gift to the world. I HATE her because she can’t think of anybody but herself–this from a man who himself is unable to think of anyone but himself. I could never go out with him because he’s not rich–this from a woman who herself will only get rich by divorcing a rich man; hard work to earn a living is not on her horizon. And on and on.
Then too I can’t help but think that all advertising in this United States seems to emphasize (and for quite a long time so far) You! You! You!–an unending emphasis on YOU! I find myself thinking is there no one at all in the world (I guess of the United States) who has even one altruistic thought toward even one person other than him/herself? It does seem that the baby boomers have concretized (never to be changed) in their psyche the “Well, enough about me, let’s talk about you. Tell me what do YOU think about ME?” syndrome. Hopeless.
As to college students who decide on the first second they see a teacher whether they like or dislike him/her: I wonder if word-of-mouth about the teacher that preceded the “first-second look”, students talking about teachers–all right, bad mouthing them–have more to do with influencing how the students felt about the teachers the “first second.” And there definitely IS word of mouth about teachers: “Don’t take him; you’ll never pass.” “Take her; she’s an easy A.” Etc. And here is where illiteracy being rampant in the land comes in: Such judgments about teachers do not take into consideration even a drop of how much may be learned in a class or from a teacher. No wonder graduates with a bachelor’s degree can’t read. I actually had a relative with a master’s degree tell me last summer that after he got out of school, he never read a book; worse!! many years ago a teacher I worked with made the same statement! What?! I said nothing, but I couldn’t help but think: Good grief!
And I think you are also correct about the self-fulfilling prophecy. However, I find myself disagreeing with you about the comment that “gay-ness” may be shaped subconsciously about what people THINK of the individual. I don’t think what society thinks about a gay person will make the person more or less gay or even gay in the first place; however, I DO think that what society thinks will profoundly influence how that person may or may not express his/her “gay-ness” to society in general and even to his/her own family in particular. This last aspect of revealing onself may have really tragic consequences.
Lastly, I do think you have contradicted yourself in the second last paragraph of your blog. You mention a woman who may be “actually interested in you is going to have a totally different look from what you dig.” OK. Then: “She finds most of your interests to be trivial.” WAIT: If she’s interested in you, how is it she finds your interests trivial?
As to this woman being “ready to be asked out to dinner”: Here I think is a phenomenon I have noticed that completely amazes me when I see it. People seem to act like they have never had an ounce of food in their lives when it comes to “free” food–that is, someone else is footing the bill. I’ve noticed that people actually get anxious and excited at getting a free meal–from wherever. I find myself thinking: Are you really that short on money that you can’t buy enough to feed yourself? It’s a phenomenon I really don’t understand.
And I also have to say I really can’t agree with your last paragraph. Perhaps the real problem is that so many people look to what is outside themselves for fulfillment and happiness instead of being content to be happy to be with themselves. I find I like myself and am perfectly willing to be with myself. But then again, perhaps I’m the one who is neurotic and/or unable to see reality as others see it. However, I’ve found that at least I’m content; if I’m neurotic and/or lacking in some perception of reality then I really don’t care; I’m basically happy. If I’m blissfully ignorant, suits me. I really don’t think I’m going to die a discontented nobody; I think I’m going to die thinking I’ve done the best I could with what I’ve known and understood of life, have done my best. What else is there?
MCS
Comment by Anonymous — January 29, 2008 @ 4:25 pm
Jim,
I have to say I have mixed feelings about your Jan. 28 blog. On the one hand I think: Ok you are probably right. But then I can think of a couple of “things” influencing the immediate like/not like syndrome. One is I have regretfully realized that there are actually people around who simply insist on judging people on superficial characteristics, i.e., is he/she “hot”? Now this to me is peculiar in that some of the worst mass murderers (and I kid you not on this) were charming, extremely good looking–in short, “hot.” A caution in my mind.
I learned something when I was a young girl in grammar school–perhaps about 5th or 6th grade. I noticed that when I liked a teacher on the first day, went home to my mother and said, Mom, my teacher is SOOOOOOO nice that by the end of the year I HATED her for whatever reason. But I also noticed that a teacher who I was not too sure about, maybe didn’t even really like because I tho’t she (yes, all my early teachers were female) was going to be a “hard” teacher turned out to be a great teacher; I ALWAYS ended up really liking that teacher by the end of the year. I learned that early on in my life; I wonder at the generations that followed me. Are they really that dense so as not to be able to figure out the same thing I could figure out: Don’t judge on first impressions.
Second, I have noticed that when people have an immediate “I can’t stand that person” reaction to an individual. Often that person reflects back to the individual something about the person that he/she does not like about him/herself. The person is REALLY responding to something inside him/herself that the individual does not like about him/herself. I’ve noticed it several times. I HATE him because he’s too controlling–this from the woman who has to control everything around her. I HATE her because she’s full of herself–this from the guy who himself thinks he’s God’s gift to the world. I HATE her because she can’t think of anybody but herself–this from a man who himself is unable to think of anyone but himself. I could never go out with him because he’s not rich–this from a woman who herself will only get rich by divorcing a rich man; hard work to earn a living is not on her horizon. And on and on.
Then too I can’t help but think that all advertising in this United States seems to emphasize (and for quite a long time so far) You! You! You!–an unending emphasis on YOU! I find myself thinking is there no one at all in the world (I guess of the United States) who has even one altruistic thought toward even one person other than him/herself? It does seem that the baby boomers have concretized (never to be changed) in their psyche the “Well, enough about me, let’s talk about you. Tell me what do YOU think about ME?” syndrome. Hopeless.
As to college students who decide on the first second they see a teacher whether they like or dislike him/her: I wonder if word-of-mouth about the teacher that preceded the “first-second look”, students talking about teachers–all right, bad mouthing them–have more to do with influencing how the students felt about the teachers the “first second.” And there definitely IS word of mouth about teachers: “Don’t take him; you’ll never pass.” “Take her; she’s an easy A.” Etc. And here is where illiteracy being rampant in the land comes in: Such judgments about teachers do not take into consideration even a drop of how much may be learned in a class or from a teacher. No wonder graduates with a bachelor’s degree can’t read. I actually had a relative with a master’s degree tell me last summer that after he got out of school, he never read a book; worse!! many years ago a teacher I worked with made the same statement! What?! I said nothing, but I couldn’t help but think: Good grief!
And I think you are also correct about the self-fulfilling prophecy. However, I find myself disagreeing with you about the comment that “gay-ness” may be shaped subconsciously about what people THINK of the individual. I
Comment by Anonymous — January 29, 2008 @ 4:25 pm