It’s difficult to talk thoughtfully about the late Charles Roberts and the mayhem that he caused in an Amish community in Pennsylvania this week. You could try to write him off as a “nut case” or a “whacko” on the basis of what he did; but until last Monday, he was Mister Middle America, the kind of guy that modern neo-conservatives celebrate as the backbone of our country. He attended church, his father was a cop, he drove a truck picking up milk from farms during the wee hours, he was married and was a loyal father to three children. Roberts was the portrait of social stability, the kind of fellow that keeps this nation from flying into pieces. So when a guy like that flys into pieces, you gotta wonder.

I’m not a shrink, but I will say this. Male sexuality is not an easy thing to deal with here in America. Every day, the typical guy receives a whole slew of subtle but very contradictory messages from society about his inner reproductive urges (hey, that’s what they are, biologically, whether or not you want to think of them that way). Advertisements use sexual innuendo as a come-on; TV and the movies are full of it. Shock jocks on radio talk about and joke about sexual perversion, way beyond the boredom point (well, for me, anyway; I guess someone still likes to listen to Howard Stern).

And then, at the same time, there’s the new conservatism and the resurgence of old-tyme religion (especially in places like where Mr. Roberts lived). Our leaders now tell us to heed to our traditional morals and values. For a guy, that means keeping the rocket securely in the pocket until after wedding day. The licentious 1960’s are long gone; the pendulum has swung well to the other side. Except that our businessmen and women still use that licentious spirit to sell cars and clothes and movies and whatever. Modern porno is generally disgusting, but it’s just a mouse click away on any computer tied to the net.

And this confusion extends to the world of dating and mating. A whole lot of young women entering relationships today don’t want guys to be cave men, but they don’t want them to be completely in control of the “desire factor” either. So they keep their boys enticed with perfume, sexy clothes, hints and innuendos, etc. – always keeping them a little bit aroused and a little bit frustrated. It’s the woman’s way of expressing power in these cynical times. So much for finding your soul mate.

So what’s an honest guy to think about his strong, hormone-driven urges? Are strong male desires something to be acknowledged and tolerated, or something to be repressed and ashamed of? No one can give a fellow a straight answer; our society doesn’t have one.

Well, the truth is that most guys somehow figure it all out and make it into their 40s and 50s just fine, when the fires of desire start burning low (and then they reach for the Viagra so as to relive the good old days, if just for half an hour). Most guys don’t become rapists or child molestors. However, if there are other bad things going on, e.g. loneliness or unresolved anger or other unhealthy forms of “psychological environment”, then it starts getting easy for a young guy to imagine things such as Mr. Roberts did. Think about all those Roman Catholic priests who did so many terrible things to kids participating in their church programs, to the shock of so many lay Catholics. And the sad truth is that it’s open season for most children living in urban and rural impoverished neighborhoods (high crime, low employment rates, drug abuse, teen pregnancy, etc.). Rampant child abuse is a not-well-kept secret in the ghetto and the ‘holler.

I’m not trying to make an excuse for what those priests or poor folk do, or for what Mr. Roberts wanted to do (and what he did, which was even worse). But I think that someone has to be willing to talk to young males and let them know that America in the early 21st Century is NOT an easy place to grow up in, and that there’s not much support available about how guys can honestly and responsibly think about their sexual feelings. If someone authoritative could just say “no, you’re not a monster for having these urges and you’re not crazy for being confused about them. It’s not your imagination that you’re being jerked around by the world.” I can’t say that this message would have saved those innocent Amish girls in Nickle Mines, PA. But I can say that there are a lot of young guys who are walking wounded but don’t look like it, and their confusion about what their body is doing to them and what religion says about it and what they see on TV or the Internet makes it all worse. Just a bit of sympathy and understanding, just a hint that “you’re not alone”, might help a whole lot of them to get thru it without hurting themselves or anyone else.

P.S., about the Amish. I don’t know how their culture deals with male sexuality. You’d think it would be extremely repressive, but maybe it’s easier that way; no confusion, clear standards.

Nevertheless, we are getting a pretty good indication about how the Amish deal with the shock of violation and death wrought by the outside world. They deal with that by doling out forgiveness. They refuse to hate. They don’t call for the death penalty. No eye for an eye, and the violator’s dental work stays intact too. They’re reaching out to Charles Roberts’ family and offering sympathy. That’s extremely powerful. My hat is off to the people with the funny hats. They don’t talk much talk, but they do walk the walk.